"You're too sick"

I am careful in my everyday life to plan meticulously enough that I have time to rest in between activities. During holidays and big events I take this so seriously that I have been known amongst friends and family for my rigorous itineraries. But no matter how much I plan, my illnesses will not stick to a schedule, even one specifically planned around them. And that’s when I hear those dreaded three words: “you’re too sick”.

I heard these words yesterday from my boyfriend. We were supposed to be visiting the Christmas markets, and this was our last chance as they closed today. We had planned to go two weeks ago, but had ended up rearranging because I was ill. It is a tradition of mine’s to visit the Christmas markets in Glasgow every year, and has been for as long as I can remember. It was an even bigger deal this year because there was a specific stall that I was desperate to visit. It was so important to me that I planned a day before to rest and two days after to rest. When I woke up yesterday morning and I wasn’t feeling great I pushed back the time so that I could rest for longer before going out. But as the day went on I only felt worse and so eventually I had to agree with everyone around me that I wasn’t going to make it.

It is difficult admitting that you are too sick to do something, especially when it cannot be rearranged. People talk about the “fear of missing out” but for someone with chronic illnesses, that feeling is all too familiar. I have spent endless days and nights wrapped up in bed feeling sorry for myself and thinking about what I could be doing at that very second if I wasn’t ill.

Sometimes hearing those three words from someone close to you can feel like a betrayal. They are supposed to be there to support you and instead they are telling you that you are incapable. But really they are just looking after you, as they can see how ill you actually are. They are better at making your health a priority than you are. After years of being ill, I can be guilty of just dismissing my illnesses as a minor inconvenience, when in fact they can cause serious issues. And sometimes I can see that I am making myself very ill, but in my mind I think that managing to follow through with my original plans is more important than taking care of myself. I am sure many others can relate to this.

When I think about how young I am, I often think “if I can’t do this now, how will I manage in ten/twenty/thirty years’ time” and that thought scares me. But the future is always uncertain. Maybe I will be able to do these things in the future, and maybe I won’t. But life is too short to always be worrying about the future and not enjoying the present. Anything could happen to any one of us that could change the future, and having chronic illnesses does not change this. Maybe our chances of being ill or bed-ridden or even worse in the future are higher, but if that is my future then I cannot change it. All I can do is make today count. I don’t want to get to my final days and regret how I used my time on earth. So if the best thing for me to do yesterday was stay in bed then I guess I will have to accept that. Because in twenty years I am sure that I will regret making myself seriously ill to go to the Christmas markets more than not getting to go. And missing out yesterday means that hopefully I will get to spend the new year tonight on the couch with my family instead of in bed asleep. It might not sound like an exciting, wild night, but to me it is exhausting, debilitating, and absolutely perfect.